Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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