he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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