I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
