dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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