i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize