You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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