I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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