Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Sext me about skeletons
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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