Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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