My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
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