Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
