Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
