he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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