I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
