Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
