Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
