so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Slut skills are useful in every country.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize