the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You can't special order awesome
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
