you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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