I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
