I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
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