i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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