so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
