too bad you live with your parents still
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
