Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
