All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
