Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
