i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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