morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dear god my vagina.
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