then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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