During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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