My liver just broke up with me...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
