haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
