Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
