I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Randomize
