Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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