The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
