I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
