you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Randomize
