theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
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