Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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