my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
even my farts smell like vagina
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
