Only a mothe r could love this liver
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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