I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Who did Billy Mays play for?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
