And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
