never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
is wine microwaveable?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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