You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
