drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize