He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
