Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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