Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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