Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
