you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
