I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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