I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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