I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
