Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
