Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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